Homesickness and Honesty

Homesickness is a bitch.

It's the little voice in the back of your head while you're doing something fun that whispers to you about how much people at home would love it. It's the screaming voice in your head when you have time alone that reminds you how far away you are from the people who deeply care about you. It can come in the form of aches, stabs, waves, flashes, oceans, and more. No solution exists. Talking to those at home both helps and hurts. Staying busy is great, until you're exhausted and full of stories with no way to convey them back to those that you love.

During the summer, and during breaks, I'm okay with this, as I simply miss campus, my friends there and the sense of togetherness. During school, I miss home, my parents, my grandmother, my cat, and some smaller things about my hometown. However, being abroad during the school year is a whole different ball game.

Emotions are amplified and stretched by the thousands of miles of distance, but nothing at home has changed. Your absence is filled, ignored, or not noticed. It's one big party that you weren't invited to, that everyone won't stop talking about or posting photos. On typical days, it's small normal things, like the usual gang of people eating lunch together on the couches of the student center, housemates relaxing in their common room, or close friends going out to eat. On other days, it's bigger things, such as the new member pinning ceremony of the fraternity of many of your close friends, Greek friends getting littles, school events that you always attended, formals, your house gaining new members (one of them being your best friend), and so on.

You miss everything, in four senses of the word.
1) to feel regret or sadness at no longer being able to enjoy the presence of something.
Ex: home, food, people, weather, locations, classes, etc
2) to fail to attend, participate in, or watch (something one is expected to do or habitually does).
Ex: close friend's triumphs and failures, your significant other dressed up (or dressed down), big events, important interviews, teasing new members of Greek life, etc
3) passive voice - you've been missed
Ex: by those who do notice your absence
4) passive voice - you've been missed

Ex: by those who do not notice your absence 

I can't help but wonder and be terrified by how things will have changed in the dynamics of my relationships with those at home upon my return. We'll just have to see. To the few who have sent me letters and talk to me regularly - thank you, it means a lot.

(To the few of my audience who will bitch that I'm not appreciating being abroad - I'm not unappreciative of this experience and my location does not have any effect on the validity of what I'm feeling).